All lies!!

I am angry at my parents and former teachers and mentors for telling me that if I worked hard, was honest, always tried my best, went to University, etc., etc., that everything would be perfect and that I would have the life I always wanted for my self. I am angry about this because, as far as I can tell right now, these were all lies.

I worked hard, I did my bast, I went to University when what I really wanted to do when I was 18 was to move to New York and become a Broadway star. I may not regret this decision in the future (and only do a little bit right now) but as far as I can tell it wouldn't have been harder to make it in show business then it is to make it in the science world with a degree and a year's worth of experience. At least in New York I would have my looks working for me, as a Biologist i feel like my boobs might keep people from taking me entirely seriously and even my own mother reminded me before I left to Study monkeys in Argentina that "I probably can't bring my hair dryer with me". I am learning to live with this perception and come to see it as a positive. A good friend of mine once told me that my bookcase provided a good idea of my personality; along with my many books I have two magazine subscriptions: National Geographic and Vogue. Just because I like to get dirty doesn't mean I can't look cute while I'm doing it.

This past year has not been the best, I'll admit. I spent 6 months working for a crazy person working on a project that will (hopefully) never get published, I spent the next nine months looking for a job or graduate school position, with no luck, while working a mind-numbing, menial job which eventually didn't work out either (that story for another time). My family meanwhile has practically disowned me, which seems like a relief at the moment because I could never seem to please them anyway.

I am also angry at everyone else in the world that seems to think that I am somehow doing everything wrong. Yes, I am whining about the media and I am whining about you (you know who you are). All the people who keep asking "found a job yet?" in that smirky, this-is-kind-of-funny-because-its-not-me sort of way. All the crappy movies like "Post Grad" about a poor upper-middle-class white girl who has a tough time after college (she ends up with a great job and a guy after about 2 months, poor her). There is a show called "Privileged" about a recent English grad that gets a job tutoring rich girls for $6000 per month in Palm Beach and we're supposed to feel sorry for her because she's not a writer like she always dreamed of (yes, I've already watched 6 episodes).

I am also angry at myself for feeling I have to rant like this. It's kind of sad but I console myself by knowing that, as of now, I only have two followers so it's just between us. But this moment will pass and I will keep applying for jobs and writing letters to far-off professors trying to convince them that I will be a terrific grad student and I will keep making ends meet however I can and I will try as hard as possible to stay positive while I am doing this. I know that everything isn't going to be perfect but that's ok. For the most part my life is great and I am fortunate to be where I am now having traveled and learned as much as I have. I also know that I am this fortunate because of my own hard work and dedication. At my clearest of moments I know that, even though it's not where I thought I'd be at almost-26, I am not the failure that everyone seems to be convincing me that I am. I am happy and healthy, I am not homeless although I may have been temporally jobless, I am well traveled and (sometimes) well spoken. I have wonderful friends, a good education and a pretty great wardrobe. I have honour, integrity, I am continually seeking knowledge and I am having fun living my life (credit for this goes to a certain business that is now missing out out my wonderful personality traits).

I had a mini breakdown today while walking down the street with a friend of mine. I realized that in the fall I will have no apartment, no school to attend, no job, no family, and possibly no "special someone" in my life. That's enough to make a girl sit down and cry all over her little plaid skirt and white oxfords.

Somebody recently told me that he would rather hear unwarranted optimism than (sometimes) pessimistic realism coming from my lips, so I am going to try to adopt this policy. tomorrow marks the start of goal #9: Don't complain about anything for one week. It will be hard but I am determined to learn something along the way. Wish me luck, I will need it.